Am I The Same Girl?

This is a self evaluation of the current realization that I'm growing up. Enjoy :)

 

Me at 15 and me at 18.

Similarity: I still like the color pink.

Difference: I don't smile as much in photos .

Me at 15 and me at 19. 

Similarity: My mother still takes bad photos of me (referring to the left pic of course).

Difference : I wear makeup ( lots of makeup) .

Me at 17 and me at 19.

Similarity: I love dresses.

Difference: I'll never wear braids again.

Me at 16 and me at 19.

Similarity: I support gay rights.

Difference: I'm was in the closet!

Me at 16 and Me at 19

Similarity: I love a cute necklace.

Difference: I'm a woman who sits up straight. :)

I'm growing up y'all.

 This is so overwhelming but I'm getting used to it a bit. Thank you.

It was just a high school

It was just a high school.

Some friends and I were going to see a play at a high school. I don’t know what it is with me, I don’t like high schools. Maybe I knew it was going to be a big event. Lots of people to see their kids sing. Lots of kids singing. I hesitated at first, but I left because I did not want to annoy them. They know, I just think they don’t know the intensity of it. My heart was racing and I was scared, you can’t explain it sometimes. Why does your stomach turn? Why does your throat feel tense? Why are you scared to walk into a high school? We got out of the car and I could feel my face holding back tears just looking at the building. As soon as she opened the door and I walked further, I knew it. I left to the stair case by the door and was sobbing. My friends found me and made me laugh. I appreciated them that night. They even apologized. In the end the night was good. I was happy and calm. We even had pizza.

The Lumps On My Chest

It's sounds like complete bull but I just woke up and had them.  I was in 3rd grade and my chest was hurting.  I went into my mother's room and she was just as surprised as I was . She called all of her friends and told them her daughter was becoming a woman.  When 5th grade came I remember boys liking me more. I remember having to tell them to get their hands off me. That I didn't like to be touched without my permission.  That was happening to me more.   I'm not sure what it was but they were paying attention to me. In 6th grade I can recall boys eyes shifting from my face to my chest.  Like being obvious about it and not even trying to not seem gross. For some reason I wanted them bigger. I remember wishing I had bigger boobs. I didn't connect the attention with my chest I just know what women had and I wanted that.  In 7th grade when I was playing around with my best friends brother in the woods he asked me out no where to see my breast. I ran as fast as I could out of there. I paid attention more after that.  I couldn't find a decent bra to fit me. My friends called me attention seeking for showing cleavage.  Once I got into high school I started to wear sweaters and big clothing and I didn't feel very good about myself.  I would bind my chest with bandages and ask older women about reductions or removals.  I wasn't happy with myself in high school and I hated myself.  I wanted to change so much. The women would say " they made me female" and that "men liked them". The problem wasn't that I hated my body.  I actually thought I was kind of good looking.  People making me uncomfortable made me hate my body. The attention it was getting made me hate my body. last year I made a resolution to focus on myself.  I was told I was beautiful that year the most I've been told.  I wasnt becoming a woman , I was a was a woman.  I felt better about myself as the year went on.  I was dealing with men now who expressed their affection for me appropriately. I had friends,  actual friends who said nice things about me . I still got touch without my permission and people still said inappropriate things.  I stick up for myself now.  I call people out on their stuff.  I liked myself towards the end of the year.   Although I still  did not like my chest   . It's been years of  trying to overcome all of it but I'm still working. It's just lumps on chest. Too big on me but not too much handle.

Letter To Myself

 

You are kind and loving person who gives too much to people, you spoil them.  I've noticed a trend with you and people. You give them all you have and share everything with them and they use you. It upsets me a bit to know that people are this way with you. I know you’re just trying to help and be nice but its best to calm down. There are several events where I think you got hurt. Like the time you gave your friend fifty dollars to buy her mother a gift. She never paid you back and she consistently made fun of you afterwards. Or your other friends who you told all your secrets to, only for them to get angry at you and tell the whole school them.  Most importantly your ex-boyfriend, who you gave absolute nothing less than everything to, who now ignores you when ask “what’s up”. He’ll be the one to make you realize you’re doing too much. That you need to question peoples (especially that display romantic interest in you) intentions. If they care about you or not. Do they show it in their actions? Do they make you feel unworthy or inferior because you’re different?  Do they care consider your feelings valid? Do they think your thoughts and views are important? The most important lesson of all is to give people time, to get to know the person. It’s very possible to love someone immediately after getting to know them for a while but it is also important to stay cautious of others.  Having Social Anxiety is hard in the mix as well. You want people to like you and love you so you try to make sure it happens. No matter the consequences as long as you’ve proved your loved to them. It’s not healthy to give so much you are only one person.  I think as a friend and as partner love, affection and time is what’s most important. If they need more you can always help every once in a while. Make sure its mutual too, that you’re not the only one giving.  People who truly love you won’t make you try so hard, you’ll just know.

 

Random Wednesdays

My new hair color :)