Am I The Same Girl?

This is a self evaluation of the current realization that I'm growing up. Enjoy :)

 

Me at 15 and me at 18.

Similarity: I still like the color pink.

Difference: I don't smile as much in photos .

Me at 15 and me at 19. 

Similarity: My mother still takes bad photos of me (referring to the left pic of course).

Difference : I wear makeup ( lots of makeup) .

Me at 17 and me at 19.

Similarity: I love dresses.

Difference: I'll never wear braids again.

Me at 16 and me at 19.

Similarity: I support gay rights.

Difference: I'm was in the closet!

Me at 16 and Me at 19

Similarity: I love a cute necklace.

Difference: I'm a woman who sits up straight. :)

I'm growing up y'all.

 This is so overwhelming but I'm getting used to it a bit. Thank you.

It's 10:00

It was an hour ago I awoke.  In my sleep I fear things. He's warm but not warm enough.  So I lay closer to him . I rest my head on his chest and stare. He's asleep but I can feel his disapproval.  " That's weird , Ebonni." In my head I apologize and look down shame.  I can feel his lungs working on my hands.  Up and down.  Wind is blowing.  The sun isn't bright today. The summer heat still fills the room. He's strong. I rub his stomach.  He has muscles on his tummy.  I play the keys.  This is bliss. The hairs tickle my ear. My heart strings. I smile and move closer.  I squeeze tightly for a second.  Ah. What a dream while I'm awake. What a nightmare yesterday was. I get so afraid sometimes. I sing " Melt With You ". The world has stopped .  I sink in the depth. Nothing matters. He moves. I'm offended by the gesture a bit.  I position myself to fit his. I'm safe again.  I play with curls in his hair.  My hair is in there!  Get out, you don't belong. I see a gray I think.  It could be my imagination.  My excitement to be held by a boy, age 23. I don't kiss you while you're asleep , love. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Enjoy the passion when you're awake.  I can't help myself. I gaze again.  He's beautiful. Lips, full as the moon. I fall harder.  I want the cheeks.  "You're the most beautiful man to ever lay next to me", I think.  I believe the Egyptians would be proud.  Nose of Thutmose.  Defined features of a mahogany man. You smell bad.  I'm sure it's because it's the morning.  I don't mind.  I breathed in . I laugh at myself. I lay my legs on you. You said something about my thighs. I said I hated them and you didn't.  For a moment you rise and pull me close. I can find no wrong with you at rest. I believe you are at your best.  Dream good things , sweet.  I'll wait until you're done. I like someone.

The Lumps On My Chest

It's sounds like complete bull but I just woke up and had them.  I was in 3rd grade and my chest was hurting.  I went into my mother's room and she was just as surprised as I was . She called all of her friends and told them her daughter was becoming a woman.  When 5th grade came I remember boys liking me more. I remember having to tell them to get their hands off me. That I didn't like to be touched without my permission.  That was happening to me more.   I'm not sure what it was but they were paying attention to me. In 6th grade I can recall boys eyes shifting from my face to my chest.  Like being obvious about it and not even trying to not seem gross. For some reason I wanted them bigger. I remember wishing I had bigger boobs. I didn't connect the attention with my chest I just know what women had and I wanted that.  In 7th grade when I was playing around with my best friends brother in the woods he asked me out no where to see my breast. I ran as fast as I could out of there. I paid attention more after that.  I couldn't find a decent bra to fit me. My friends called me attention seeking for showing cleavage.  Once I got into high school I started to wear sweaters and big clothing and I didn't feel very good about myself.  I would bind my chest with bandages and ask older women about reductions or removals.  I wasn't happy with myself in high school and I hated myself.  I wanted to change so much. The women would say " they made me female" and that "men liked them". The problem wasn't that I hated my body.  I actually thought I was kind of good looking.  People making me uncomfortable made me hate my body. The attention it was getting made me hate my body. last year I made a resolution to focus on myself.  I was told I was beautiful that year the most I've been told.  I wasnt becoming a woman , I was a was a woman.  I felt better about myself as the year went on.  I was dealing with men now who expressed their affection for me appropriately. I had friends,  actual friends who said nice things about me . I still got touch without my permission and people still said inappropriate things.  I stick up for myself now.  I call people out on their stuff.  I liked myself towards the end of the year.   Although I still  did not like my chest   . It's been years of  trying to overcome all of it but I'm still working. It's just lumps on chest. Too big on me but not too much handle.

The Concept Of Beauty

Recently, about a month so far, I've been getting called beautiful a lot. Here's someone reasons why probably.

1: I've been posting a lot of photos online.
2: My interaction with people has been more frequent
3: I'm beautiful?

The main reason I decided to write about this was because the people in my life inspired me to and my own insecurities did as well. I'm not fishing for compliments or anything but I don't find myself as pretty as other people. Its not I don't think I am at all.  I just , like anyone with anything, think I could be better. Why is that though, why is it that we need to feel beautiful. I'm sure no one just thought that people should be mainly based on their looks. Its just the way it is, some people are more attractive than others. Although beauty is so difficult and amusing! Its all based on someone else's opinion! Or we could say societies main ideal for beauty ( tall, skinny, white, long hair) . Which I won't get into but can you see why most of us feel unworthy . The world has given us a platform of what we should look like and put it everywhere. Although why is the concept of beauty important? Honestly if we break it down, its useless. You need your body to live, its that simple.  To live in this wonderful world we live in. Whether or not someone finds you attractive is not important, that's not what you're alive for. High self-esteem is in itself important though because its important to feel good about yourself. When I had really bad depression I sometimes couldn't look myself in the mirror and life was horrible. Now I feel much better because life is good because I feel good. I'm not saying you have to be in love with yourself. We are always gonna have things we feel insecure about. Although you should feel important. You should feel beautiful.

I'm actually really into the TV show, The Twilight Zone, and there's this episode I really loved. Its called Eye Of The Beholder. Well basically it starts off as this woman in a hospital room with bandages covering her face. Its after some surgery and she's asking the doctors will she be Alright. Meanwhile they don't show anyone's faces the whole episode until the end. Long story short, in the end they unwrap her bandages and she looks human. When they show everyone else's face they have pig noses and weird lips ( which is the norm in the  Twilight Zone.)  Then they start telling her," its worst then we thought", she starts to sob while looking at her reflection.  Its my favorite episode because its so true. Its not that people with pig noses are ugly and people with human ones are not. Its that " beauty is in the eye of the beholder ". Everyone's idea is different, of what it is or should be.

Smile ( a much needed rant)

No offense to this lovely human being but I must explain why in most of my photos I'm usually "frowning". This is mostly directed to to the wonderful men who keep catcalling me on the street, a friend of my mother's who told me I just NEED to,and this person. Well let's see why most people smile in the first place. Either they are just in general happy or someone\ something has made them happy.  Sorry to break it to all of you  but I'm not in general happy.  Also just by coincidence someone \ something has not  made me smile. Although I could fake a smile. I will not  because that would be lying. I have faked a smile for so many people,I will no longer do that.  I have other emotions.

Random Wednesday

Here's some old tweets of mine in the year 2012. I was very angsty and apparently pansexual? Enjoy!

Why people suck and you don't.

I've been picked on for as long as I can remember. From everything to the clothes I wear to the tone of my voice. It wasn't until middle school I started getting bothered by it. Also it was happening more frequently and at the time I couldn't understand it. Before this I wasn't used to being bullied. I fell into a deep depression and was very suicidal. I eventually got help for that. Although the bullying did make me very self conscious and insecure. I would also like to credit it for my recently developed social anxiety. The whole time I was going through this I was thinking, Why do people do this?  Why do people hurt others? Why do people bully? They do this because they suck!

Number 1 reason why people suck and you don't : Miserable people try to make other people feel miserable. To make themselves feel better. I'm not gonna lie to you like your third grade teacher and say it doesn't help because it does. It's like having so much built up anger and then throwing all on someone else to have. Although what kind of person does that make you? A coward who can deal with their emotions? The concept is quite juvenile don't you think? Find your path to getting out of your misery. 

Number 2 reason why people suck and you don't : You're more kind. This is just an assumption for all I know you could be a major meanie In most cases bullies like to pick on the weak and sweet. Let's think about this for a second. Who takes out time in their day to make others unhappy? When I was going through a hard time I just kept reminding myself to stay nice. Being nice was already in my personality and wasn't in me to be that way. Also you don't want to be that way. Remember they suck, you don't. 

Number 3 reason why people suck and you don't : You're perfect just the way you are. I was told a lot when people would pick on me that they were jealous of me. At first it was hard to believe because I really never saw any reason for anyone to be jealous of me. Low self-esteem can make you believe that you are worthless especially since you have a bully helping you think that way. Well I'm here to tell you are not, you're perfection. Why are you so perfect? It's because you're you and no one else is. It can often make others uncomfortable seeing so much perfection that they try to destroy it. So you can just be like them, a person who sucks.  

Although maybe people don't suck, maybe they're just like you struggling to live in this world and don't know what to do. Even though it's hard you have to be strong and try to find a way to deal. Life is going to be filled with lots of people who are weird, strange, odd, annoying and different. It’s not our place to make them feel uncomfortable or worse about themselves. Stay KIND and treat people with the utmost respect. Love people as family and most of all DON'T SUCK.

Everything Is Awesome

So at the beginning of the week I started to get really bad nerve jumps in my eye. If you don't know what nerve jumps are, it's when your body shakes involuntarily, mostly caused by bad nerves. I haven't been upset, I've just been thinking about the past which gets me irritated. I will say I'm pretty content with my life, other than still living with my parents, I'm not dissatisfied. Well on Monday I finally received some Valentine's day letters I've been waiting on, which I was excited about. Then on Tuesday I received some money which I spent for the next two days. Also I've been having some really fun conversations with my friends. It seems everyone was in a good mood. On Wednesday my piece on The Pulp Zine( http://www.thepulpzine.com/7-great-ladies-of-the-70s/) finally got put on the site ( Go check it out!). On Thursday I got some much needed work done and I talked to a couple of friends. I have n't had a lot of really nice days so I was really enjoying the trend. I have to say though Friday was pretty awesome. I found out I may be getting a laptop (I do this from a tablet!) Also my father is sending me some stuff. Some cute boy also talked to me (which is always good). I know I usually talk about how my life sucks on this blog  but I finally had a good week. It just goes to show you that life has its ups and downs although things will be better. Saturday my nerve jumps stopped.

My Life In Religion

Since I was born I was raised under the belief of Christianity. My mother would take me to church when I was younger. It was something I didn't enjoy. I mean waking up at 7:00am on a weekend, just to sit in a hot small church, listening to somebody scream and talk. My mother was never really into church that much. We would go a year or so without going to Church sometimes. So when I came to Georgia it was sort of a culture shock. The first time we went to church was in Lithia Springs. One night when we were on our way home and we saw a sign that said Atlanta Pentecostal Church. We went to a Pentecostal Church back at home. She suggested that we go on Wednesday at 8:00pm. She didn't like waking up early. Also there was a teen church. The first time we went, everyone was really nice. People who are Pentecostal are some of the nicest people you will ever meet. We had a really good time. When next Wednesday came around my mother said she didn't want to go,but she said she would drop me off if I wanted her to. So I went by myself. While I was in the small and colorful teen room we were asked to worship. Then he told us to come to the altar and pray. To ask God for the gift of tongues. I was told just worship and don't stop worshiping. I began to speak in tongues. It was the most odd thing I've experienced in my life so far. It was like when I was trying to speak but instead different words came out of my mouth. Except they were so similar to when I heard others speak in tongues,like God's own language. Afterwards the Youth Pastor sat me down and asked me what happened.

When I was in foster care , church was every Sunday, Wednesday, and (sometimes) Saturday.Not to mention special church events. At first I hated it. I had barely had any sleep in the morning, I was so tired. Although I did know church etiquette. I knew to stand up when you are told to. Wear good looking church clothes ( even when I wanted to wear jeans). Most of all never, ever fall asleep, it was the most disrespectful thing to do in church. When I was living in this foster home in Kennesaw I went to this church called Worship With Wonders, it was a nondenominational church. It had very nontraditional pastors. The husband had an eyebrow piercing and always wore a wallet chain. The wife had highlights and  maybe the best style I have ever seen on a female pastor. I enjoyed the place very much and decided to become more religious to overcome my sorrows. God was my last hope. One day I was up front during worship service and began to praise with everyone else. In the middle of worship a woman stopped me and said, ''God told me he wants you to dance for him, does that mean anything to you?" I said no but I knew exactly what she meant. I had been entirely too vain to want to scream or dance. I had no reason to be embarrassed but I was. Though I listened. Then the pastor decided to lay his hands on all of us. When he put his hands on me I began to speak in tongues. Three times in less than two years it was a pretty good accomplishment for a sixteen year old. I know people in their 30’s who haven't spoken in tongues. I began crying and was overfilled with the Holy Spirit. Then I heard God speak to me, "Go apologize to Lottie.”, Lottie was my Foster parent at the time. Apparently he thought I hadn't been so nice to her. So I got up and said sorry. 

When I lived in another house in Lithonia I went to A small town church called Exousia Lighthouse Ministry. I enjoyed that church more than anything. At that church,as some of you know, I was given a prophecy about me aspiring other girls when I grow up through writing( I was also given another which was more in the present than in the future.) It’s stuff like that thickens my faith.

I certainly do not expect everyone to follow my views on religion. Neither do I think God condones hate .

I just know there is a God and I believe in them.

photo credit: twitter

Random Wednesdays

My new hair color :)