It's 10:00

It was an hour ago I awoke.  In my sleep I fear things. He's warm but not warm enough.  So I lay closer to him . I rest my head on his chest and stare. He's asleep but I can feel his disapproval.  " That's weird , Ebonni." In my head I apologize and look down shame.  I can feel his lungs working on my hands.  Up and down.  Wind is blowing.  The sun isn't bright today. The summer heat still fills the room. He's strong. I rub his stomach.  He has muscles on his tummy.  I play the keys.  This is bliss. The hairs tickle my ear. My heart strings. I smile and move closer.  I squeeze tightly for a second.  Ah. What a dream while I'm awake. What a nightmare yesterday was. I get so afraid sometimes. I sing " Melt With You ". The world has stopped .  I sink in the depth. Nothing matters. He moves. I'm offended by the gesture a bit.  I position myself to fit his. I'm safe again.  I play with curls in his hair.  My hair is in there!  Get out, you don't belong. I see a gray I think.  It could be my imagination.  My excitement to be held by a boy, age 23. I don't kiss you while you're asleep , love. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Enjoy the passion when you're awake.  I can't help myself. I gaze again.  He's beautiful. Lips, full as the moon. I fall harder.  I want the cheeks.  "You're the most beautiful man to ever lay next to me", I think.  I believe the Egyptians would be proud.  Nose of Thutmose.  Defined features of a mahogany man. You smell bad.  I'm sure it's because it's the morning.  I don't mind.  I breathed in . I laugh at myself. I lay my legs on you. You said something about my thighs. I said I hated them and you didn't.  For a moment you rise and pull me close. I can find no wrong with you at rest. I believe you are at your best.  Dream good things , sweet.  I'll wait until you're done. I like someone.

It was just a high school

It was just a high school.

Some friends and I were going to see a play at a high school. I don’t know what it is with me, I don’t like high schools. Maybe I knew it was going to be a big event. Lots of people to see their kids sing. Lots of kids singing. I hesitated at first, but I left because I did not want to annoy them. They know, I just think they don’t know the intensity of it. My heart was racing and I was scared, you can’t explain it sometimes. Why does your stomach turn? Why does your throat feel tense? Why are you scared to walk into a high school? We got out of the car and I could feel my face holding back tears just looking at the building. As soon as she opened the door and I walked further, I knew it. I left to the stair case by the door and was sobbing. My friends found me and made me laugh. I appreciated them that night. They even apologized. In the end the night was good. I was happy and calm. We even had pizza.

Some Images to get you inspired in Black History Month .

I want to write something this month about Black History eventually.  Although until then here's some inspiring images to get you the feeling of what's going on. Enjoy!  

Kanye being Kanye at the Super Bowl

Halle Berry looking better than you in the 90s.

Drake because this photo gives me so much lifeMichelle Obama

Viola Davis at The Screen Actors Guild Awards

Jessica Williams and major hair goals

Olympic gold medal winner Gabby Douglas and her thighs. 

Coretta Scott King and her husband Martin Luther King Jr

Nichelle Nichols as Nyota Uhora on Star Trek and a lovely quote by Whoppi Goldberg. 

Whitney Houston and her daughter Bobbi Kristina

The First African American Women To Vote in Ettrick after the passage of the 19th Amendment in 1920. Pictured from left to right are, on the first row, Mary Branch, Anna Lindsay, Edna Colson, Edwina Wright, Johnella Frazer (Jackson), and Nannie Nichols; on the back row from left to right; Eva Conner, Evie Carpenter (Spencer), and Odelle Green. 

The Lumps On My Chest

It's sounds like complete bull but I just woke up and had them.  I was in 3rd grade and my chest was hurting.  I went into my mother's room and she was just as surprised as I was . She called all of her friends and told them her daughter was becoming a woman.  When 5th grade came I remember boys liking me more. I remember having to tell them to get their hands off me. That I didn't like to be touched without my permission.  That was happening to me more.   I'm not sure what it was but they were paying attention to me. In 6th grade I can recall boys eyes shifting from my face to my chest.  Like being obvious about it and not even trying to not seem gross. For some reason I wanted them bigger. I remember wishing I had bigger boobs. I didn't connect the attention with my chest I just know what women had and I wanted that.  In 7th grade when I was playing around with my best friends brother in the woods he asked me out no where to see my breast. I ran as fast as I could out of there. I paid attention more after that.  I couldn't find a decent bra to fit me. My friends called me attention seeking for showing cleavage.  Once I got into high school I started to wear sweaters and big clothing and I didn't feel very good about myself.  I would bind my chest with bandages and ask older women about reductions or removals.  I wasn't happy with myself in high school and I hated myself.  I wanted to change so much. The women would say " they made me female" and that "men liked them". The problem wasn't that I hated my body.  I actually thought I was kind of good looking.  People making me uncomfortable made me hate my body. The attention it was getting made me hate my body. last year I made a resolution to focus on myself.  I was told I was beautiful that year the most I've been told.  I wasnt becoming a woman , I was a was a woman.  I felt better about myself as the year went on.  I was dealing with men now who expressed their affection for me appropriately. I had friends,  actual friends who said nice things about me . I still got touch without my permission and people still said inappropriate things.  I stick up for myself now.  I call people out on their stuff.  I liked myself towards the end of the year.   Although I still  did not like my chest   . It's been years of  trying to overcome all of it but I'm still working. It's just lumps on chest. Too big on me but not too much handle.

Letter To Myself

 

You are kind and loving person who gives too much to people, you spoil them.  I've noticed a trend with you and people. You give them all you have and share everything with them and they use you. It upsets me a bit to know that people are this way with you. I know you’re just trying to help and be nice but its best to calm down. There are several events where I think you got hurt. Like the time you gave your friend fifty dollars to buy her mother a gift. She never paid you back and she consistently made fun of you afterwards. Or your other friends who you told all your secrets to, only for them to get angry at you and tell the whole school them.  Most importantly your ex-boyfriend, who you gave absolute nothing less than everything to, who now ignores you when ask “what’s up”. He’ll be the one to make you realize you’re doing too much. That you need to question peoples (especially that display romantic interest in you) intentions. If they care about you or not. Do they show it in their actions? Do they make you feel unworthy or inferior because you’re different?  Do they care consider your feelings valid? Do they think your thoughts and views are important? The most important lesson of all is to give people time, to get to know the person. It’s very possible to love someone immediately after getting to know them for a while but it is also important to stay cautious of others.  Having Social Anxiety is hard in the mix as well. You want people to like you and love you so you try to make sure it happens. No matter the consequences as long as you’ve proved your loved to them. It’s not healthy to give so much you are only one person.  I think as a friend and as partner love, affection and time is what’s most important. If they need more you can always help every once in a while. Make sure its mutual too, that you’re not the only one giving.  People who truly love you won’t make you try so hard, you’ll just know.

 

Poetry Fridays

HUN
you my second sun hun that's why im so nice to you.
you bring light and shine into my life
you make me smile hun
youre so much fun hun
in my dreams hun
occaionally makes me scream hun
oppsites attract hun
were so different its good hun
make love hun
i love you hun
and little blue car
its like youre never far hun
were perfect hun
were so cute hun
never run
stay hun
forever

The Concept Of Beauty

Recently, about a month so far, I've been getting called beautiful a lot. Here's someone reasons why probably.

1: I've been posting a lot of photos online.
2: My interaction with people has been more frequent
3: I'm beautiful?

The main reason I decided to write about this was because the people in my life inspired me to and my own insecurities did as well. I'm not fishing for compliments or anything but I don't find myself as pretty as other people. Its not I don't think I am at all.  I just , like anyone with anything, think I could be better. Why is that though, why is it that we need to feel beautiful. I'm sure no one just thought that people should be mainly based on their looks. Its just the way it is, some people are more attractive than others. Although beauty is so difficult and amusing! Its all based on someone else's opinion! Or we could say societies main ideal for beauty ( tall, skinny, white, long hair) . Which I won't get into but can you see why most of us feel unworthy . The world has given us a platform of what we should look like and put it everywhere. Although why is the concept of beauty important? Honestly if we break it down, its useless. You need your body to live, its that simple.  To live in this wonderful world we live in. Whether or not someone finds you attractive is not important, that's not what you're alive for. High self-esteem is in itself important though because its important to feel good about yourself. When I had really bad depression I sometimes couldn't look myself in the mirror and life was horrible. Now I feel much better because life is good because I feel good. I'm not saying you have to be in love with yourself. We are always gonna have things we feel insecure about. Although you should feel important. You should feel beautiful.

I'm actually really into the TV show, The Twilight Zone, and there's this episode I really loved. Its called Eye Of The Beholder. Well basically it starts off as this woman in a hospital room with bandages covering her face. Its after some surgery and she's asking the doctors will she be Alright. Meanwhile they don't show anyone's faces the whole episode until the end. Long story short, in the end they unwrap her bandages and she looks human. When they show everyone else's face they have pig noses and weird lips ( which is the norm in the  Twilight Zone.)  Then they start telling her," its worst then we thought", she starts to sob while looking at her reflection.  Its my favorite episode because its so true. Its not that people with pig noses are ugly and people with human ones are not. Its that " beauty is in the eye of the beholder ". Everyone's idea is different, of what it is or should be.