Thursday, November 6, 2014

Letter To Myself


 

You are kind and loving person who gives too much to people, you spoil them.  I've noticed a trend with you and people. You give them all you have and share everything with them and they use you. It upsets me a bit to know that people are this way with you. I know you’re just trying to help and be nice but its best to calm down. There are several events where I think you got hurt. Like the time you gave your friend fifty dollars to buy her mother a gift. She never paid you back and she consistently made fun of you afterwards. Or your other friends who you told all your secrets to, only for them to get angry at you and tell the whole school them.  Most importantly your ex-boyfriend, who you gave absolute nothing less than everything to, who now ignores you when ask “what’s up”. He’ll be the one to make you realize you’re doing too much. That you need to question peoples (especially that display romantic interest in you) intentions. If they care about you or not. Do they show it in their actions? Do they make you feel unworthy or inferior because you’re different?  Do they care consider your feelings valid? Do they think your thoughts and views are important? The most important lesson of all is to give people time, to get to know the person. It’s very possible to love someone immediately after getting to know them for a while but it is also important to stay cautious of others.  Having Social Anxiety is hard in the mix as well. You want people to like you and love you so you try to make sure it happens. No matter the consequences as long as you’ve proved your loved to them. It’s not healthy to give so much you are only one person.  I think as a friend and as partner love, affection and time is what’s most important. If they need more you can always help every once in a while. Make sure its mutual too, that you’re not the only one giving.  People who truly love you won’t make you try so hard, you’ll just know.

 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Poetry Fridays

HUN
you my second sun hun that's why im so nice to you.
you bring light and shine into my life
you make me smile hun
youre so much fun hun
in my dreams hun
occaionally makes me scream hun
oppsites attract hun
were so different its good hun
make love hun
i love you hun
and little blue car
its like youre never far hun
were perfect hun
were so cute hun
never run
stay hun
forever

Sunday, April 13, 2014

The Concept Of Beauty

Recently, about a month so far, I've been getting called beautiful a lot. Here's someone reasons why probably.

1: I've been posting a lot of photos online.
2: My interaction with people has been more frequent
3: I'm beautiful?

The main reason I decided to write about this was because the people in my life inspired me to and my own insecurities did as well. I'm not fishing for compliments or anything but I don't find myself as pretty as other people. Its not I don't think I am at all.  I just , like anyone with anything, think I could be better. Why is that though, why is it that we need to feel beautiful. I'm sure no one just thought that people should be mainly based on their looks. Its just the way it is, some people are more attractive than others. Although beauty is so difficult and amusing! Its all based on someone else's opinion! Or we could say societies main ideal for beauty ( tall, skinny, white, long hair) . Which I won't get into but can you see why most of us feel unworthy . The world has given us a platform of what we should look like and put it everywhere. Although why is the concept of beauty important? Honestly if we break it down, its useless. You need your body to live, its that simple.  To live in this wonderful world we live in. Whether or not someone finds you attractive is not important, that's not what you're alive for. High self-esteem is in itself important though because its important to feel good about yourself. When I had really bad depression I sometimes couldn't look myself in the mirror and life was horrible. Now I feel much better because life is good because I feel good. I'm not saying you have to be in love with yourself. We are always gonna have things we feel insecure about. Although you should feel important. You should feel beautiful.

I'm actually really into the TV show, The Twilight Zone, and there's this episode I really loved. Its called Eye Of The Beholder. Well basically it starts off as this woman in a hospital room with bandages covering her face. Its after some surgery and she's asking the doctors will she be Alright. Meanwhile they don't show anyone's faces the whole episode until the end. Long story short, in the end they unwrap her bandages and she looks human. When they show everyone else's face they have pig noses and weird lips ( which is the norm in the  Twilight Zone.)  Then they start telling her," its worst then we thought", she starts to sob while looking at her reflection.  Its my favorite episode because its so true. Its not that people with pig noses are ugly and people with human ones are not. Its that " beauty is in the eye of the beholder ". Everyone's idea is different, of what it is or should be.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Smile ( a much needed rant)

No offense to this lovely human being but I must explain why in most of my photos I'm usually "frowning". This is mostly directed to to the wonderful men who keep catcalling me on the street, a friend of my mother's who told me I just NEED to,and this person. Well let's see why most people smile in the first place. Either they are just in general happy or someone\ something has made them happy.  Sorry to break it to all of you  but I'm not in general happy.  Also just by coincidence someone \ something has not  made me smile. Although I could fake a smile. I will not  because that would be lying. I have faked a smile for so many people,I will no longer do that.  I have other emotions.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Poetry's Friday ( young)

We don't care
About being young
And we don't care
About getting old
We don't care
About the men
And we don't care
About the words
We don't care
About the distance
We don't care
About the years
We don't care
Well make time
Just wait

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Random Wednesday

Here's some old tweets of mine in the year 2012. I was very angsty and apparently pansexual? Enjoy!

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Why people suck and you don't.

I've been picked on for as long as I can remember. From everything to the clothes I wear to the tone of my voice. It wasn't until middle school I started getting bothered by it. Also it was happening more frequently and at the time I couldn't understand it. Before this I wasn't used to being bullied. I fell into a deep depression and was very suicidal. I eventually got help for that. Although the bullying did make me very self conscious and insecure. I would also like to credit it for my recently developed social anxiety. The whole time I was going through this I was thinking, Why do people do this?  Why do people hurt others? Why do people bully? They do this because they suck!



Number 1 reason why people suck and you don't : Miserable people try to make other people feel miserable. To make themselves feel better. I'm not gonna lie to you like your third grade teacher and say it doesn't help because it does. It's like having so much built up anger and then throwing all on someone else to have. Although what kind of person does that make you? A coward who can deal with their emotions? The concept is quite juvenile don't you think? Find your path to getting out of your misery. 


Number 2 reason why people suck and you don't : You're more kind. This is just an assumption for all I know you could be a major meanie In most cases bullies like to pick on the weak and sweet. Let's think about this for a second. Who takes out time in their day to make others unhappy? When I was going through a hard time I just kept reminding myself to stay nice. Being nice was already in my personality and wasn't in me to be that way. Also you don't want to be that way. Remember they suck, you don't. 


Number 3 reason why people suck and you don't : You're perfect just the way you are. I was told a lot when people would pick on me that they were jealous of me. At first it was hard to believe because I really never saw any reason for anyone to be jealous of me. Low self-esteem can make you believe that you are worthless especially since you have a bully helping you think that way. Well I'm here to tell you are not, you're perfection. Why are you so perfect? It's because you're you and no one else is. It can often make others uncomfortable seeing so much perfection that they try to destroy it. So you can just be like them, a person who sucks.  


Although maybe people don't suck, maybe they're just like you struggling to live in this world and don't know what to do. Even though it's hard you have to be strong and try to find a way to deal. Life is going to be filled with lots of people who are weird, strange, odd, annoying and different. It’s not our place to make them feel uncomfortable or worse about themselves. Stay KIND and treat people with the utmost respect. Love people as family and most of all DON'T SUCK.



She Playlist

All the things she said -T.A.T.U
Every little thing she does is magic- The Police
Mind mischief- Tame Impala
Liquorice- Azealia Banks
Who run the world - BEYONCE
Girls- Santigold
Needing getting- OkGo
Boys wannabe her-  Peaches
Asking for it- HOLE
Rebel GRRRL- Bikini Kill

Photo cred: youtube

Poetry's Friday ( he)

He makes my heart flutter with joy then leaves me in the dark wanting more
And more
He makes me smile way too wide then somehow I end up with cries
And cry
He makes swoon to my knees then leaves me with bruises for all to see
And see
He makes my sing then I can't breathe
And breath
He gives me dreams then when he goes a nightmare appears in me
He leaves only to return again

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Random Wednesday

Thrift shop finds. Check out my other  blog (        http://emayhaha.blogspot.com   ) For more information on these outfits.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Everything Is Awesome

So at the beginning of the week I started to get really bad nerve jumps in my eye. If you don't know what nerve jumps are, it's when your body shakes involuntarily, mostly caused by bad nerves. I haven't been upset, I've just been thinking about the past which gets me irritated. I will say I'm pretty content with my life, other than still living with my parents, I'm not dissatisfied. Well on Monday I finally received some Valentine's day letters I've been waiting on, which I was excited about. Then on Tuesday I received some money which I spent for the next two days. Also I've been having some really fun conversations with my friends. It seems everyone was in a good mood. On Wednesday my piece on The Pulp Zine( http://www.thepulpzine.com/7-great-ladies-of-the-70s/) finally got put on the site ( Go check it out!). On Thursday I got some much needed work done and I talked to a couple of friends. I have n't had a lot of really nice days so I was really enjoying the trend. I have to say though Friday was pretty awesome. I found out I may be getting a laptop (I do this from a tablet!) Also my father is sending me some stuff. Some cute boy also talked to me (which is always good). I know I usually talk about how my life sucks on this blog  but I finally had a good week. It just goes to show you that life has its ups and downs although things will be better. Saturday my nerve jumps stopped.

What To do?

What to do with yourself?
Not doing anything!
Being in life.
Just moving.
What to do with yourself?
Scream and shout!
Let it out!
Nothing more .
Just in.
What to do with yourself?
Just live.
What to do with yourself?

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Poetry's Friday ( small things)

Sweet dreams
Small leaves
Still green
Sugar plums
Still blue
Oh dear
Oh you
Oh true
Small things
So let it be
Me

17 playlist

A playlist for the 17 year old...

1-The 17-  Sky Ferreira - http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RnIHzb279J4

2-Be my BABY the- The Ronetts - http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QzhbGaCwBzs
  
3-The way- Ariana Grande- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_sV0S8qWSy0

4-  Dancing Queen - Abba- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xFrGuyw1V8s

5- if you leave- OMD- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EPmTGFg06zA

6- awkward- Tyler, the creator- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=A4czp7KV2j4

7- rill rill - Sleigh Bells- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nmFgejWZjtg

8- Justice- DANCE- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sy1dYFGkPUE

9- make it take it - Amanda Blank- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kzob0x51rjA

10- girls - Santigold- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=O5ocODl0fUI

11- beautiful- Christina Aguilera- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eAfyFTzZDMM
 
12- young hearts run free (ballroom version) - belle hooper- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IIbiG04X3ws

13 - love is strange-  Mickey and Sylvia- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KpEA5QGYJFQ

14- settle down- kimbra- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yHV04eSGzAA

15- loser- Beck- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YgSPaXgAdzE

16- smells like teen spirit- Nirvana- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hTWKbfoikeg

17- what a nice way to turn seventeen- the crystals- http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=it8S9bEaPyg

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Why I love edits

Every since I've been going to school I've been taught art. My experience has really been great. You may not be able to tell ( since I type everything) I have horrible penmanship. Which results in horrible drawing and crafting. I mean the idea is there but when get started it I transfers to crap ( for the lack of a better word) . I mean it pissed off my Art Teachers ,not everybody can be Picasso! I mean I was trying my best . I was so jealous of everybody else who seem to have this superb talent, an quality I could not acquire.  I started to have a interest in digital art around 2012. Although I didn't really get involved in it until I got a Instagram. It was kind of a outlet to show my work without really caring.
I started getting complements, and likes, I knew I was doing something right. I also enjoyed  editing a lot .It took me less than five minutes usually to make a masterpiece which really made me even more confident about my work. I love them because they bring a smile on my face and make me believe in myself. We all are gifted in one way or or another. Just wait, be patient, and believe in yourself. You can do anything. ♥♥

Also there will be a photo set , an edits piece, called Love.
On: Saturday February 1st, 2014

Poetry's Friday (Glowing)

Glow
Glow beyond my dreams
Come into the seams
Of my heart
Deep
Inside my dream
Glow
Glow beyond the sea
Into the streams
Deep
Glow beyond the sky
Up high
Into the night sky and fly
Deep
Into the night
Glow
Shine the sky
Glow

Friday, January 17, 2014

Poetry's Friday ( Enough)

Mixed up
Everywhere
Cornered and rushed
Running through my head
Enough
Too much
Saying too much
Losing my mind
Crossing the line
Enough
Too much

Random Wednesdays

Some pins I bought this week from Hot Topic ( quotes from the movie Mean Girls)

Friday, January 10, 2014

My Life In Religion


Since I was born I was raised under the belief of Christianity. My mother would take me to church when I was younger. It was something I didn't enjoy. I mean waking up at 7:00am on a weekend, just to sit in a hot small church, listening to somebody scream and talk. My mother was never really into church that much. We would go a year or so without going to Church sometimes. So when I came to Georgia it was sort of a culture shock. The first time we went to church was in Lithia Springs. One night when we were on our way home and we saw a sign that said Atlanta Pentecostal Church. We went to a Pentecostal Church back at home. She suggested that we go on Wednesday at 8:00pm. She didn't like waking up early. Also there was a teen church. The first time we went, everyone was really nice. People who are Pentecostal are some of the nicest people you will ever meet. We had a really good time. When next Wednesday came around my mother said she didn't want to go,but she said she would drop me off if I wanted her to. So I went by myself. While I was in the small and colorful teen room we were asked to worship. Then he told us to come to the altar and pray. To ask God for the gift of tongues. I was told just worship and don't stop worshiping. I began to speak in tongues. It was the most odd thing I've experienced in my life so far. It was like when I was trying to speak but instead different words came out of my mouth. Except they were so similar to when I heard others speak in tongues,like God's own language. Afterwards the Youth Pastor sat me down and asked me what happened.
When I was in foster care , church was every Sunday, Wednesday, and (sometimes) Saturday.Not to mention special church events. At first I hated it. I had barely had any sleep in the morning, I was so tired. Although I did know church etiquette. I knew to stand up when you are told to. Wear good looking church clothes ( even when I wanted to wear jeans). Most of all never, ever fall asleep, it was the most disrespectful thing to do in church. When I was living in this foster home in Kennesaw I went to this church called Worship With Wonders, it was a nondenominational church. It had very nontraditional pastors. The husband had an eyebrow piercing and always wore a wallet chain. The wife had highlights and  maybe the best style I have ever seen on a female pastor. I enjoyed the place very much and decided to become more religious to overcome my sorrows. God was my last hope. One day I was up front during worship service and began to praise with everyone else. In the middle of worship a woman stopped me and said, ''God told me he wants you to dance for him, does that mean anything to you?" I said no but I knew exactly what she meant. I had been entirely too vain to want to scream or dance. I had no reason to be embarrassed but I was. Though I listened. Then the pastor decided to lay his hands on all of us. When he put his hands on me I began to speak in tongues. Three times in less than two years it was a pretty good accomplishment for a sixteen year old. I know people in their 30’s who haven't spoken in tongues. I began crying and was overfilled with the Holy Spirit. Then I heard God speak to me, "Go apologize to Lottie.”, Lottie was my Foster parent at the time. Apparently he thought I hadn't been so nice to her. So I got up and said sorry. 
When I lived in another house in Lithonia I went to A small town church called Exousia Lighthouse Ministry. I enjoyed that church more than anything. At that church,as some of you know, I was given a prophecy about me aspiring other girls when I grow up through writing( I was also given another which was more in the present than in the future.) It’s stuff like that thickens my faith.
I certainly do not expect everyone to follow my views on religion. Neither do I think God condones hate .
I just know there is a God and I believe in them.

photo credit: twitter

Poetry's Friday ( Closely Close)

It was me
Just me
And you
Next to you
Just breathing your air
Standing there
Just there
with me
Closely
Am I standing to close?
I'm just there
By you
Standing here
Next to you
Closely