Taryn and Kristen

I want to  get real personal with all of you right now. When I WAS  12 I watched Higher Learning with my  "stepmother ", "father", and brother. My brother and I were told this movie was suppose to be a "lesson". We were each given characters that represented us. I was given Taryn. At the end of this movie as some of you know ,Taryn was shot and killed . For years I was pissed off at them. This year I watch it again and realized that I was like a lot like her! Taryn was a feminist!   She ran a group at the college called SNSS ( students against a nonsexist society) . She even Kristine after she got raped!  Kristen became a better person because of her. I mean Taryn was amazing! Their intention was to offend me but instead they gave me one of the biggest compliments ever. I was just too young to understand. I wanted to say this because you can't let ANYONE break you! People are gonna say some mean, rude, stupid things to you and you have let it make you grow. You are somebody amazing! ♥♥♥

Kristen: look, um... Why don't I stay with you tonight?  We could stay up and talk...
Taryn: Are you sure you're ready for that? Don't do it. Just cause you're fascinated. I want you to be sure.

Poetry's Friday ( History )

Does no one want to be in the history books no more?  
I want kids to dread having me for homework.
Does no one want to be a statue anymore?
I want tourist to take funny photos of me.
Does no one want their own holiday anymore?
You wouldn't have to go to school.
Does no one want to make history anymore?
Have the kids today lose their motivation?
Aspirations?
Leave your mark behind.
You only have so little time.
Do you want to make history?

Random Wednesday ( Money!!!!)

My coin purse that I keep all my money in:)♥♥♥♥

Being Female: A sequel to "Being Teen"

Okay

Okay . Being female just like Being Teen, is completely involuntary,   you have no choice. I personally enjoy all the superficial things about being female. I like wearing heels, wearing makeup, dresses, painting my nails, and long hair. It’s nice, plus if I was a male I would get ridiculed and judged. Also as a female I get away with a lot because of the innocence that comes with my gender. I quickly learned that when I would visit my father and four brothers, I was the only girl. Although being a female has its perks it has its major downfalls. I'm always pressured to look my best (even when I don't want to.

You have to be appropriate at all times and will always be told to act more  “ladylike “. The attention from boys can often be annoying. Boys will catcall you, boys will try to touch you (without your permission)””, and boys will revolve around your friend's family's lives. You will often feel like a prize to be won. I'm personally 50\50 on the issue. I honestly like myself the way I am (minus the periods, the staring at my breasts and the obligation to be more ladylike. Being female is a chore.

Poetry's Friday ( DEATH)

Death
Curious beyond this world.
Darkness or light?
If only I could just see.
Just maybe a peek.
Too scared where my spirit may lead me.
Death
If I do the right thing.
Death.
Good things will happen to me.
Time is ticking.
I'm scared of death.

Random Wednesday's( hello its me, ebonni)

This is a photo of me;)

STAY UPDATED! ♥♥♥

Twitter: @emayhaha
Instagram: @emayhaha
Tumblr: @emayhaha
GifBoom: @emayhaha

Poetry's Friday (SLUT)

Her lust for men has given her a reputation. 
A thirst for his sensation.
What she has done is in the ears of others.
Housewives, sisters, friends and even mothers.
A sin of lust.
Her name in their mouth is a must.
I  just have to ask " Do they call him a slut?"

Random Wednesdays

I am now adding a segment to the blog called Random Wednesdays.
It's where I post photos, songs, items in my room, what I did this week, and my fashion. Things to get to know me better. I will not own all but some of the photos. ( there will be a declaimer).  :) ♥

Randomness starts December 11,2013

Confessions

1: I want to be a role model to young girls instead of being a mother.
2: I never want children or get married. A waste of time.
3: (    ) = times god has reviled himself to me. (3) prophecies. (3) speaking in tongues. (1) spoke to me. Because of this I know he is real.
4: I always worry about being annoying. Am I annoying?
5: I don't think I'm capable of hate. Which sucks, some people I need to feel it for them. I don't hate them I'm just numb.
6: I once hated myself so much I didn't want to look in the mirror. I don't want to be at that place again.
7: I worry about dying before my time. What if I die before doing all I want to do.
8: I love having friends,, I want more. I wish I had a million. People who love and care about you are the best.
9: Being made fun of pisses me off to the core! Especially if its for nothing. I'm to kind for that.
10: I love people so much. It hurts how much love I have for other people. Even if they hate me or even don't like me back. I will always have some form of love for them.

Poetry's Friday (Thought Of As)

She has a useless brain
They say she's reckless and insane
Endangered
Untamed
Speeding mind
Unaware of time
When she cries
they laugh
Her presence is a drag
Worrying about useless things
Too Focused on you and me
A bit of anxiety
She may have a
Useless brain
Is Reckless and insane
Endangered
Untamed
Though aware
You think she does not
But she knows her name

Not Really Focused on Boys

The reason I'm not focused on boys is because well,there really isn't enough. By enough I mean not a lot of boys are my type. I have a lot of types but I usually go for a sweet,kind, quite, smart, odd,and attractive boy. The problem ( not to be offensive) is finding the last part ,attractive. I'm at a place in my life that I only have lust for boys nothing more. I often seem to be only acquainted with unattractive boys. Also it's not even that personality is a huge part of that. Most boys that I talk to are either on drugs or weird, too weird .Also when I really like a boy I become very shy.
Or when I do talk to them eventually I act very awkward. I become a stalker and get very needy. I get so nervous and overwhelmed. Its crazy. I wish they knew that. Its hard. Also since  I'm not in school I kinda have nobody to look at. I mean how can you focus on something that's not even there. In conclusion my standards are too high, I fall to hard,and they just don't exist my world. Other than that I love boys♥♥

Poetry's Friday ( LIES)

Lies
Tell Me the truth
Or lie
Be honest
Or say goodbye
Or you can make me cry
With your lies
Just lie
I know anyway
No need to hide what you say
Lie
You lie
SAY
YOUR
LIES

Poetry's Friday ( The Help)

The help.
I need you.
Help.
I have no one else.
Help.
Time is running out.
Help.
I get sadder each day.
Help.
I can't call.
Help.
I'm embarrassed to ask for your help.
Help.
Please.
Help.

Why I'm a Feminist?

Feminist-  The radical notion that women are people.

Last year it being a tough time for me, I honesty needed something to stay focused. One day maybe in August or July of last year. I was on the internet and I came across the most beautiful Tumblr page I had ever seen. When I looking I was seeing things like, Riot Grrl, women's rights, and the female symbol. I then look them up I believe and saw the word " FEMINISM" . I read about it on Wikipedia and realized some of the things they were talking about were what I believed in. Equality, oppression and the struggles of being a female. Days after that I began to research feminism. I liked more Tumblr pages and read more blogs. In December of 2012 I began calling myself one. Telling my parents they didn't understand and still don't. A good friend of mine was the only one I can remember congratulating me. " I'm happy to know you're becoming a feminist."  She pickets in my old town and even has the word  "feminist"tattooed. I felt so happy. I knew I was apart of something great. Today I'm still learning about what's apart of my oppression and how I can can contribute. I think when I get older I will be able to do more. I feel like I'm being held back at home from doing what I really enjoy. Teenage Feminism is hard, I'm proud to be one though.

17 Facts

1: I'm the youngest of 4 girls.
2: I love quirky socks.
3: I love watching movies.
4: I barely sleep.
5: My legs never get hairy .
6 : I spend most of my money on jewelry.
7: I listen to music when I'm sad.
8: I'm not Good at math.
9: I love reading magazines.
10 : I've always wanted to visit India. I love the culture.
11: I'm one of Lena Dunham's biggest fans.
12: I wanted to write first because of the tvshow  SEX and The City.
13: I have a unlucky number which is "13".
14: My favorite holiday is Christmas.
15: I live Frida Khalo art/pictures.
16: I often look for Native American type clothing to wear.
17 : I have no preference of music taste.

Poetry's Friday ( Mostly)

Mostly.
I feel so empty.
Happy is something I'll never be.
I feel sad .
I  feel bad.
Silver linings I can't see.
Not all the time .
Mostly.

Poetry's Friday ( The Mirror Can be An Enemy)

After a long day of everything you don't want to hear you start to think, "Does everyone see what I see in that mirror?".
You look and see a smile and a face that is so sweet. Shots of hate and sudden worry, but everlasting love. Who will except you for who you are? When I look in that mirror I don't see what you see.

" School was fun at first"

I first starting going to school like the rest  of the world in kindergarten.   I remember i had a lot of friends and I wasn't always on my best behavior. Besides minor problems it was perfect. As I got older I lost some friends because we grew up and they became part of different cliques. Fifth grade was my favorite I had 3 best friends and we were inseparable. After that I had to move to a whole new school in Georgia and it was horrible. I was picked on a lot because I was different and it was hard.  I became distant with my old friends  back at home and I had no one, I felt so lonely. That year I tried to commit suicide. In 7th grade I moved to Minnesota and was WAY better. At first it was difficult then I went to this after school program called The Garage. I had so many friends there everyone was different so I didn't feel lonely. I mean I'm not going to nitpick because the good times outweighed the bad.  Although like all good things it had to come to a end. For the first half of 8th grade I was held back in  the 7th  because even though Minnesota was great I still was failing, Social Studies was so hard. The second half of 8th grade I was in Chicago Heights. I began to try to fit in with everyone and it didn't go very well. I got into so much trouble in 8th grade and freshman year. Highschool was never the same after that. I came back to school a year and a half later. I was REALLY bad at math and I was incapable of fitting in. It was the same stuff back in Georgia. I remember 6th grade and not being to fond of the place at all . I came in with my head held high then slowly having it lowered by others opinion of me. I went to six different schools junior year I barely enjoy any of them couldn't wait to leave. Every place was the same, I felt abnormal and stupid.  I'm not enrolled in school now and I dread the day I have to go back.   I mean school was fun at first, but now I hate It.

Being Teen

I spent my 13th birthday in the hospital and that's pretty much how my teen years have been. I'm 17 now and soon I won't be a kid anymore. I'm anticipating the day more than anything. Imagine you had to live a certain way your whole life and could not do nothing about it. Of course my life isn't this big sad story I had some good times, I wouldn't relive them though. I expected more being teen and it wasn't anything.  You have several adults telling you to act a certain way and be a certain way and you have no interest in do any of it. I wanted to get in trouble and have stuff to look back at. I have 3 sisters who always had so much fun at my age and I'm just here taking up space. l never got into anything because my mother moved around and I always in some kind of trouble. Also I felt misplaced like I was falling behind. I see other teens my age and its seems like there maturing faster than me. I missed out on so much like life paused for me and no one else. I'm not in highschool now and I really don't want to go back. I'll be a senior this year and the more I realize how far I am from actually finishing school, I get sad.  Like people my age are doing so much already with their lives and I'm unaware of where I'm going to be next year. Maybe first get far away from this town then get a nice job and try to finish school the best way I can. Get my own place in Chicago and become a writer like I said  I was going to be.  When I get older I'm going to do all the things I wanted to do as a teenager. It doesn't stop here.

Poetry's Friday ( A CHILD)

Tell me what to do.
Why?
Because I'm a child.
Not a teenager.
A child.
Yell at me!
Why?
I'm a child.
Stop calling me an adult.
You treat me like I'm a child.
Not like I'm 17.
About to be 18 .
NO!
I'm a child!
A small child.
Stop telling me what to do.
I'm not a child!

Questionnaire:)

A:  FAVORITE SMELLS-  baked cookies, flowers,woods, things that remind me of other things
B: Can you go a day without coffee? - yes but I would rather not.
C: Last movie you watched?- Home Alone
D: The person who understands you the most?- my mother:)
E: Do you have a crush on anyone?- That's funny because any other day I would've answered yes I do on______, but I don't on anyone . Which is nice crushes are exhausting;)
F:  Do you listen to the Beatles?- Yes! I need to listen to more of their songs!
G: One color you would wear for the whole year?- Preferably purple because I love that color, though thinking more fashionably, red, it's a neutral.
H: Last song you listened to?- Same Mistakes- Echo Friendly
I:  Do you sew?- I'm obsessed with sewing! The old lady in me comes out!
J: Favorite fruit?- mangoes
K: Do you cook often?-  no.
L: Are you health cautious? - I'm aware that I need to eat healthier. But do I? No!
M: Do you curse a lot? -  yes, it's a problem.
N: Certain food you crave for no reason?-  Nutella. I have a reason, it's delicious!
O: Pro life or Pro choice? - Pro choice, woman's body woman's choice :)
P: Last book you purchased? - Vouge magazine
Q: Do you shave your pits? - yes, against feminist rules.....
R:  Ever had a broken bone? - never ever
S: How do you like your eggs?- sunny side up :)
T: Where was your Last vacation?-  St. Louis
U: Last argument? - mother. Who else?
V: First job? -Junior Camp Counselor at YMCA!!
W: Do you want kids?- NO!!!
Y: What celebrity you think is hot? -Mark Whalberg
Z:  What do you want to be when you grow up? - journalist , filmmaker,  MAYBE screenplay writer?? :) <3

Poetry's Friday-(Seeking Me so Desperately)

I am the one who should never be judged. I have hated but always loved. Hopeful but hopeless. Depressed but able put on a face of happiness. Though it seems I should declare my feelings of despair, I never asked to be let be. As if they know automatically. Predict , guess have a vision I suppose. Before I came to see you I was in a deep sorrow . as if you dreamt my tears clinching on to life itself. Having unreasonable fears. Although I do put on a facade........

Ebonni Watford The Proud Insomniac

So if I hadn't mentioned already, I have INSOMNIA. The definition of insomnia is the inability to sleep or get enough of it. I haven't been able to sleep real good ever. My mother me in the womb Tossing and turning. So this has always been a problem for me. I've tried everything but nothing seems to work. It never really bother me though at times it was a pain. I would keep up everyone and be so sleepy for school. I was at times a big help.  When I was a kid I would be the last to fall asleep at sleepovers. I would unlock the door for the girls when they wanted to sneak back in. I would stay up with my parents on road trips and make sure they didn't fall asleep on the road. I could finish essays or papers ( if I wanted to) I was up already might as well. It came in handy believe it or not. It wasn't until I started to write that it actually had some kind of purpose. My mind is just much more open and wide when I'm up all night. My mind is like a pond and I'm just fishing for ideas. All of my blog posts are usually at night. I mean I rarely have anything positive to say about mental disorders in general especially mine. It's not too bad , I like it.

Poetry's Friday ( Whimsical Dreams)

Whimsical Dreams.
All I think of is what may be.
She and Him.
Maybe you and me?
Smiles so bright.
Beautiful night.
Charming prince.
Why do I feel this?
In a distant.
What shall be?
Too much thinking.
I love you!
You love me?
Silly questioning.
So many things.

Sorry, I Didn't Put You First :(

Today at 7:43pm I'm just now getting started on the blog I created! I'm seventeen years old and I need to get it together like today. 

                        I don't have ADHD even though I literally have every symptom. I just often get distracted and I procrastinate a lot. It's normal, but it gets me into a lot of trouble. School, friends, and family are just a few things that get pushed off to the side because I get sidetracked. My grades are really bad because I give up too easily on my homework and go find something else to do. My friends get neglected because I forget to ask how they are doing every once and awhile. (just got distracted) I should say hello first but I never do. I don't keep in touch with all my family  and before I moved back to Illinois I honestly didn't speak to them at all. If I were them I would think that I didn't care about them but I do! I know it's completely normal to get caught up in random things in your room once and awhile and not call my aunt. I GET THIS!  I over think things and what if one day it's not a phone call it's the stove, my car keys, or even my wallet (which by the way has already happened) . Stuff like this makes my transition into adulthood even more terrifying. I need to get it together. Also I have to take my blog more seriously and start promoting it. I want people to know about what I do and I want them to take a look at it. Find some kind of courage and tell them.  " I write". I can do it.

                Also if you are reading this and wondering why I don't keep in touch with you. I just want you to know that I haven't forgotten about you and you are special to me. Say hi and send me a message so we can turn this thing around and become best friends again, trust me I miss you more. I'm not bold and I'm very passive. I can't speak up first because I think you might get annoyed at me. I'm sorry it took so long for me to acknowledge this and I'll work on it,promise. I love you and sorry I didn't put you first.

Poetry's Friday ( A Trip)

A trip.
A wish
To experience the days I missed.
The air.
The breeze.
I must leave.
A sun.
A star.
A moon.
Leaving my room soon.
Some wings.
Some dreams.
The air.
The breeze.
A sun.
A star.
A moon.
A trip.
A wish.
To leave all of this.

Changes

Since I came back home my mind has has been filled with thoughts about everything. Mostly about why the things that have happened to me were the most important. I sat down with myself and began to think, " what would I be like if the events in my life had not happen to me?". What If I hadn't met him or her? What if did or didn't do that, how different would my life had been? The events in my life (although some unfortunate ) have shaped me. I remember a science fiction term that always made the most sense when I thought about something like this. The Butterfly Effect, mostly used when talking about time travel. When going back in time travelers had to make sure that they were very careful not to mess up anything in the past. "Something as simple as stepping on a butterfly could change the course of time". A butterfly could change the course of time just as anything else. If one thing was different in my life how different would it be? Well if I hadn't move I would still be in this same place with the same friends. Maybe I would have been happier than I am now.  When I was 10 years old I was a very happy kid I had a three best friends. A lot of people liked me in my small town. I guess I was  occasionally a annoyance but with time I would have eventually grown out of that.  I would still have the same friends (I know that because they're still going strong ever since I left). I went to the hospital because I was depressed about moving so no moving, no depression, no hospital. It sounds perfect and when I used to think about it that way I would wish for some type of Time Machine. I was so angry with the people who moved me around so many times against my will. I didn't ask to be here, I could've stayed where I was. I cried about it a lot until however I had some time to myself and began to think. Those people who taught me so much about life don't all live in the same place. I had to leave in order to meet them you see. When I came back home I was informed nothing had changed. I couldn't believe it that in 7 years  that my home hadn't  made any progress like myself has. Though it was right not a single thing was different.  The place looked,felt, and smelt the same. The people were different my friends from years ago.  Though no one is the same at 10 as they are at 17. They weren't the same people I knew in school. They were not people I wanted to be friends with anymore. They all were all just alike and I was nothing like them. If I would have stayed maybe I would have been like them. When I came back and began to see that I hadn't left I wouldn't have met those friends. The ones who changed the way I see life. I've never been outside the country but I've met people from different ones. They took me with me them when they told me their stories about their lives. Hearing about others experiences changed the way I saw mine. What their mistakes were and how they wanted to change them. My life was hard though theirs seemed a lot harder. I wouldn't have made it it if I were them,though they did so I should. The ones who were my best of friends who taught me about things I didn't know in life. Who kept me inspired, who loved me, who laughed with me, who spoke to my heart and made me feel special. Who kept my mind open and my heart wide. Who taught me what it feels to love and lose someone.  It never gets easier to say goodbye because it's never easy to change. Although it's very hard to change, we need it.

(Poetry's Friday) Yes, I guess.

Say no.
It's easy you see.
N O how hard can that be?
Two letters.
One word.
Though it hold so much weight.
I don't want to let you down.
Though you haven't been so great.
Don't hate me.
Although I mean what I say.
It's simple.
Yet misunderstood.
My mouth needs more words to explain.
It's harsh.
Don't be mean.
You know how it feels for someone to be cruel.
To treat you without any heart.
Yes, I guess.
Do whatever you please.
I don't mind.
It's no crime you see.
People always do this to me.

The Discharge Date

When I was 13 old I started going to Mental Health Hospitals. It was a really hard time for me,I spent my 14th birthday there. I remember sobbing when my mother came to see me. That day I mentally promised I would NEVER come back to this place again. I was there for about a week and a half when they decided what my Discharge Date would be. If you don't know already a discharge date is the day the hospital decides to let you go home. I think almost everyone  who comes in automatically anticipates this. I know it was all I could think about for 10 days. Honestly I never really paid any attention to any of the things they teach you while I was there.  When I left I thought to myself,  "this is the first and last time". When I returned to school I lied and told everyone I was sick. Not a lot of people know about my hospitalizations, I'm embarrassed of them.  I moved on with life for about a month, then I lost it. I had to go back ,I couldn't believe it. I was angry with myself, "how could I be so stupid". I thought for sure those two times were enough, but I went back and forth 8 more times. I mean I lost all hope in any progress in my behavior. I felt like every discharge date was a new begging, but it felt more like time off till I returned next time. Though I knew the last one would truly be The Last One. Not one day in the year 2011 I went to school because that year I kept going to the hospital. This has effected me so much more than I thought it would. I nearly missed all of 9th and 10th grade. I didn't have to many credits either and as far as understanding anything was the worse. Being considered a 9th grader when you really are a 11th grader is Embarrassing. I was odd and awkward in school. I felt misunderstood like the real world was not were I belonged and the hospital was. This made me feel even more depressed than I already was. Though I kept trying every day to mold myself into someone I would be proud of and with time I did. Sometimes I feel as if though when I last left the hospital that wasn't my only discharge. Emotionally I was still was locked up inside hating not only my life, but myself. I felt so different from everybody else,I wasn't normal. When I decided though to live with my circumstances and accept my life for what it was. To Look at it from a different perspective and most of all optimism,that was my discharge date. I don't feel like going back to any of those times in my life again.

Introducing Passive Princess Poetry Fridays.

I am now adding another segment to my blog called,"Poetry Friday". I love to write poetry more than anything else. A lot less is written but it's really a closer look into my emotions (Good and Bad). I hope you enjoy!

                    Poetry starts August 23, 2013.

The Ebonni Problem

When I was fifteen years old I was diagnosed with Major Depression. At the time it was a relief ,every doctor was quick to put a name on my problem. ADHD, Bipolar, and IED just to name a few. They were completely wrong even at the time even I knew that! Instead I had the more believable titles, anxiety and insomnia. I was completely okay with them. They're normal psych problems (if that makes any sense) . I was open about them. Everyone gets a little sad,anxious and restless sometimes. Although I was open about them I mostly kept the secret that I suffered from depression.People see me in a certain way. I'm usually running around laughing and making jokes all the time. Me with depression? Hardly. Inside I was truly suffering though,what they saw was lots and lots of suppressed emotion. I wouldn't blame them if they didn't believe me, it was the way I dealt with things. One time I tried to tell a friend and they started to laugh,it broke my heart. I hoped desperately for a change and there will be one. For now though, I've got to find out some ways to deal with my emotions. I'm going to get better for sure I know it. "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

My Future In Writing

I was thinking about my future career in writing. I've always been self conscious about the way and the things I write. Sometimes I write well others,not so much. My pastor gave me a prophecy that made me cry. I will write stories and inspire girls like myself. That sounds wonderful and a prohecy has never let me down before. Lately though I've been thinking about my future and how I'm going to be able to survive out in the world. How will I act when I become an adult? I have a job now,a very adult thing,and I see others who give off an adult look or vibe. They seem like they can handle their own better then I ever will. I don't want to act like I do now when I get older, awkward,weird,and goofy. I don't want the same personality when I'm 30 and 40.The same values I have right now I want them to carry on with me later in life though. I refuse to consider living by oppsite morals. I still want to be fun and care free. Also I don't want to take myself too seriously.  Also, will people even like what I write? I don't even know how it will happen. I have this fustrating obsession with wanting to know everything about everything. I fail to relize I'm not gifted in that area. I have a huger, an anticipation for my destiny or anything else,for that matter. Also if a prophecy has never been wrong then why question it! I need to sit back and wait to see how all of this is going work out, however it may be.

My Name Is...

My name is Ebonni Watford. I'am  a inspiring jounallist with a story to tell. This blog will often inform you of my life, my experinces, and most of all my options.   My hope is to inspire and intrigue you. Thank You.