Sorry, I Didn't Put You First :(

Today at 7:43pm I'm just now getting started on the blog I created! I'm seventeen years old and I need to get it together like today. 

                        I don't have ADHD even though I literally have every symptom. I just often get distracted and I procrastinate a lot. It's normal, but it gets me into a lot of trouble. School, friends, and family are just a few things that get pushed off to the side because I get sidetracked. My grades are really bad because I give up too easily on my homework and go find something else to do. My friends get neglected because I forget to ask how they are doing every once and awhile. (just got distracted) I should say hello first but I never do. I don't keep in touch with all my family  and before I moved back to Illinois I honestly didn't speak to them at all. If I were them I would think that I didn't care about them but I do! I know it's completely normal to get caught up in random things in your room once and awhile and not call my aunt. I GET THIS!  I over think things and what if one day it's not a phone call it's the stove, my car keys, or even my wallet (which by the way has already happened) . Stuff like this makes my transition into adulthood even more terrifying. I need to get it together. Also I have to take my blog more seriously and start promoting it. I want people to know about what I do and I want them to take a look at it. Find some kind of courage and tell them.  " I write". I can do it.

                Also if you are reading this and wondering why I don't keep in touch with you. I just want you to know that I haven't forgotten about you and you are special to me. Say hi and send me a message so we can turn this thing around and become best friends again, trust me I miss you more. I'm not bold and I'm very passive. I can't speak up first because I think you might get annoyed at me. I'm sorry it took so long for me to acknowledge this and I'll work on it,promise. I love you and sorry I didn't put you first.

Poetry's Friday ( A Trip)

A trip.
A wish
To experience the days I missed.
The air.
The breeze.
I must leave.
A sun.
A star.
A moon.
Leaving my room soon.
Some wings.
Some dreams.
The air.
The breeze.
A sun.
A star.
A moon.
A trip.
A wish.
To leave all of this.

Changes

Since I came back home my mind has has been filled with thoughts about everything. Mostly about why the things that have happened to me were the most important. I sat down with myself and began to think, " what would I be like if the events in my life had not happen to me?". What If I hadn't met him or her? What if did or didn't do that, how different would my life had been? The events in my life (although some unfortunate ) have shaped me. I remember a science fiction term that always made the most sense when I thought about something like this. The Butterfly Effect, mostly used when talking about time travel. When going back in time travelers had to make sure that they were very careful not to mess up anything in the past. "Something as simple as stepping on a butterfly could change the course of time". A butterfly could change the course of time just as anything else. If one thing was different in my life how different would it be? Well if I hadn't move I would still be in this same place with the same friends. Maybe I would have been happier than I am now.  When I was 10 years old I was a very happy kid I had a three best friends. A lot of people liked me in my small town. I guess I was  occasionally a annoyance but with time I would have eventually grown out of that.  I would still have the same friends (I know that because they're still going strong ever since I left). I went to the hospital because I was depressed about moving so no moving, no depression, no hospital. It sounds perfect and when I used to think about it that way I would wish for some type of Time Machine. I was so angry with the people who moved me around so many times against my will. I didn't ask to be here, I could've stayed where I was. I cried about it a lot until however I had some time to myself and began to think. Those people who taught me so much about life don't all live in the same place. I had to leave in order to meet them you see. When I came back home I was informed nothing had changed. I couldn't believe it that in 7 years  that my home hadn't  made any progress like myself has. Though it was right not a single thing was different.  The place looked,felt, and smelt the same. The people were different my friends from years ago.  Though no one is the same at 10 as they are at 17. They weren't the same people I knew in school. They were not people I wanted to be friends with anymore. They all were all just alike and I was nothing like them. If I would have stayed maybe I would have been like them. When I came back and began to see that I hadn't left I wouldn't have met those friends. The ones who changed the way I see life. I've never been outside the country but I've met people from different ones. They took me with me them when they told me their stories about their lives. Hearing about others experiences changed the way I saw mine. What their mistakes were and how they wanted to change them. My life was hard though theirs seemed a lot harder. I wouldn't have made it it if I were them,though they did so I should. The ones who were my best of friends who taught me about things I didn't know in life. Who kept me inspired, who loved me, who laughed with me, who spoke to my heart and made me feel special. Who kept my mind open and my heart wide. Who taught me what it feels to love and lose someone.  It never gets easier to say goodbye because it's never easy to change. Although it's very hard to change, we need it.

(Poetry's Friday) Yes, I guess.

Say no.
It's easy you see.
N O how hard can that be?
Two letters.
One word.
Though it hold so much weight.
I don't want to let you down.
Though you haven't been so great.
Don't hate me.
Although I mean what I say.
It's simple.
Yet misunderstood.
My mouth needs more words to explain.
It's harsh.
Don't be mean.
You know how it feels for someone to be cruel.
To treat you without any heart.
Yes, I guess.
Do whatever you please.
I don't mind.
It's no crime you see.
People always do this to me.

The Discharge Date

When I was 13 old I started going to Mental Health Hospitals. It was a really hard time for me,I spent my 14th birthday there. I remember sobbing when my mother came to see me. That day I mentally promised I would NEVER come back to this place again. I was there for about a week and a half when they decided what my Discharge Date would be. If you don't know already a discharge date is the day the hospital decides to let you go home. I think almost everyone  who comes in automatically anticipates this. I know it was all I could think about for 10 days. Honestly I never really paid any attention to any of the things they teach you while I was there.  When I left I thought to myself,  "this is the first and last time". When I returned to school I lied and told everyone I was sick. Not a lot of people know about my hospitalizations, I'm embarrassed of them.  I moved on with life for about a month, then I lost it. I had to go back ,I couldn't believe it. I was angry with myself, "how could I be so stupid". I thought for sure those two times were enough, but I went back and forth 8 more times. I mean I lost all hope in any progress in my behavior. I felt like every discharge date was a new begging, but it felt more like time off till I returned next time. Though I knew the last one would truly be The Last One. Not one day in the year 2011 I went to school because that year I kept going to the hospital. This has effected me so much more than I thought it would. I nearly missed all of 9th and 10th grade. I didn't have to many credits either and as far as understanding anything was the worse. Being considered a 9th grader when you really are a 11th grader is Embarrassing. I was odd and awkward in school. I felt misunderstood like the real world was not were I belonged and the hospital was. This made me feel even more depressed than I already was. Though I kept trying every day to mold myself into someone I would be proud of and with time I did. Sometimes I feel as if though when I last left the hospital that wasn't my only discharge. Emotionally I was still was locked up inside hating not only my life, but myself. I felt so different from everybody else,I wasn't normal. When I decided though to live with my circumstances and accept my life for what it was. To Look at it from a different perspective and most of all optimism,that was my discharge date. I don't feel like going back to any of those times in my life again.

Introducing Passive Princess Poetry Fridays.

I am now adding another segment to my blog called,"Poetry Friday". I love to write poetry more than anything else. A lot less is written but it's really a closer look into my emotions (Good and Bad). I hope you enjoy!

                    Poetry starts August 23, 2013.

The Ebonni Problem

When I was fifteen years old I was diagnosed with Major Depression. At the time it was a relief ,every doctor was quick to put a name on my problem. ADHD, Bipolar, and IED just to name a few. They were completely wrong even at the time even I knew that! Instead I had the more believable titles, anxiety and insomnia. I was completely okay with them. They're normal psych problems (if that makes any sense) . I was open about them. Everyone gets a little sad,anxious and restless sometimes. Although I was open about them I mostly kept the secret that I suffered from depression.People see me in a certain way. I'm usually running around laughing and making jokes all the time. Me with depression? Hardly. Inside I was truly suffering though,what they saw was lots and lots of suppressed emotion. I wouldn't blame them if they didn't believe me, it was the way I dealt with things. One time I tried to tell a friend and they started to laugh,it broke my heart. I hoped desperately for a change and there will be one. For now though, I've got to find out some ways to deal with my emotions. I'm going to get better for sure I know it. "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."